Finding Peace without Words
I was recently reflecting on my progression as an empowerment coach, as well as the path I’m on to self-development and self-discovery. I feel proud of my dedication to learning as much as I can about myself, and also about how our brains work so that I can be the best version of me for everyone I know and also everyone I work with.
A disturbing thought likes to pop up from time to time in my head though, and I wanted to discuss it in hopes that it can help others find mental peace.
The thought in particular is about how necessary (or unnecessary) it is for our mental health for us to be able to say everything we want to say before a relationship ends, and for the other person to acknowledge that in some way.
Closure.
Can I be a good coach if I have unresolved feelings from the past related to not getting “acceptable” closure in certain situations?
A better way to ask the question is: Do we need to feel heard in every situation to have true mental health and peace?
If the answer is yes, then I’m afraid I will never reach my potential of mental wellness in this area.
Maybe you can relate to this too?
Let’s explore the concept of closure.
Closure is Complex
Closure typically involves finding some kind of resolution, understanding, or acceptance in order to move forward from a particular situation.
I am one of those people who always struggled to feel like I had a voice or perspective that mattered. So when relationships stalled or halted and the other person seemed to just give up and walk away from me without explanation, it added to my feelings of self-doubt and unworthiness.
We would all like to experience closure at the level that feels most comfortable for us. For some, walking away without saying anything or much is enough closure to feel peace. For others, more communication is desired.
Closure has always been something that I didn’t feel worthy of receiving, which may have actually been a self-fulfilling prophecy at the times the relationships were failing.
Family, Friends, Romantic Relationships, Co-workers…
To clarify, I am not just talking about closure as it relates to the dissolution of a romantic relationship (although those tend to be the most highly charged due to the added layers of physical and emotional intimacy).
I have experienced painful endings in relationships with co-workers, friends, and of course romantic partners. Some of them stand out in my mind more than others, and the pain involved was directly related to the amount of emotional and physical energy I put into the growth of the relationship.
I had a co-worker friend once who I befriended and even shared quite a bit of time with outside of work. She was younger, and I helped her learn the ropes. I had a lot of respect for her because she was bright and motivated. Several years into us working together, a chance for a promotion came up, and she and I were both eligible for it. The relationship changed, and she became extremely focused on getting that promotion, at whatever the cost. She decided it was ok to speak negatively about me behind my back. I was a single mom with a very young son, and sometimes I needed to leave work before 5pm in order to pick him up from daycare. She used this to leverage her position that she was more dedicated than I was, and she did indeed get the promotion. I felt betrayed and hurt. She used the promotion to get a better job outside of our current employer and left shortly thereafter. I tried to connect with her after she left to mend the fences, but she would never return my calls or texts. To this day, I have no idea how she is doing or how her career progressed. She did not try to contact me after she left.
I had a best friend for twenty years (age 25 through age 45) who I shared everything with for a very long time. We were more like sisters. But as the years progressed, and as life happened, we went through very different life experiences. I did my absolute best to support her in everything she was going through, but some of her experiences were difficult and very personal to her. I tried to be there for her, but she couldn’t always accept my support because I wasn’t going through it. I had trouble sharing my happiness with her because it was painful for her to hear. I had been served more than my fair share of pain through the years, so of course it would hurt when she couldn’t be happy for my joys. Eventually I didn’t know what was ok to talk about with her and we stopped communicating altogether. I felt like a failure for that relationship because I had nurtured it and cared about her for a very long time. We still have not had a conversation to resolve those hurts and it’s been 7 years.
There was a guy who I dated in high school for most of my senior year, but when the time came for college and we’d be at different schools, he abruptly ended the relationship. I was crushed. This was someone I thought I would marry. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t worth waiting for or fighting for. Years later, after his first marriage ended, he contacted me and led me to believe that I was “the one who got away.” We started dating again, and then he abruptly ended things again stating that he wasn’t ready for another serious relationship. Again, I was devastated. Years later, he reached out a THIRD time and let me know that he still never stopped thinking about me and wanted to start dating again. We lived in different cities, and I was hesitant (I had already been burned twice!), but I gave him another chance. We even decided I would move to his city to give the relationship the best chance. I was interviewing for jobs and making plans to move out of my apartment. I gave a 30-day move out notice and was packing boxes. He texted me one night to tell me there was too much pressure on the relationship for me to move, and please change my plans. He TEXTED me, like an announcement, not a compassionate conversation where he cared to hear anything I had to say in response. After years of going back and forth and making plans for the future, and I wasn’t worth a face-to-face conversation, or at least a phone call? The pain I felt from that third breakup was enough to put me into a depression that lasted probably until I became pregnant with my son.
There are more examples from my past, but I believe these are enough to show that there was a pattern in my relationships that I eventually needed to address within myself.
When closure didn’t happen, at least in a way that was acceptable to me, I was always left wondering “Why am I not good enough for the other person to take the time to make sure I’m ok and that everything has been said and resolved?” These thoughts are detrimental to overall mental well-being, and the unresolved pain was being carried into my future relationships.
Different Communication Styles
While some people find it crucial to express themselves fully and have all loose ends “tied up”, others may be just fine at moving on without any explicit closure. Different communication styles play a role in how we seek closure. Some people need to verbalize their feelings and thoughts to feel heard, while others find closure through introspection or other forms of self-expression.
I am learning as I get older that I do have a role to play in all of my relationship successes as well as failures, and I am continuing to explore areas where I can find my own mental peace when communication with the other person isn’t happening.
Healthy Boundaries and Impact on Mental Health
Verbal communication may bring a level of peace of mind in some situations, but the pursuit of communication in other situations may actually lead to unnecessary stress and emotional turmoil. Some people may choose not to engage in communication to protect their own mental health.
Although we may feel a need to be heard, sometimes external validation will not lead to the result that we are hoping for.
Here are some examples of how you can find closure and peace on your own:
Take a step back objectively and really try to see the other person’s perspective. Even if you don’t hear their words, imagine that from their side, there is a reason they have stopped communicating. They are processing, and more than likely also hurting, in their own way. It’s easy sometimes to feel like a victim when you’re hurting but understand there are two sides to every relationship.
Write down everything you wish you could say in a letter that you never send to anyone. Getting the emotions out of your head and onto paper can be very healing.
Remind yourself that you are only in control of your own emotions and actions. When you realize that you can’t control what someone else does or says or thinks, it can bring you a level of peace.
Turn your focus to the healthy and positive relationships in your life. These relationships can fill you up and help you see a better version of yourself.
Conclusion: Forgiveness is a Gift that you Give to Yourself
What I would like everyone to take away from this discussion is sometimes we don’t have control over how a relationship will evolve or ultimately end. We may do everything in our power to make things work, and it just doesn’t. And that’s ok. This is not a reflection of your worthiness or who you are as a person.
The key is knowing that you did everything you could to be respectful, make amends, extend an olive branch, and/ or apologize where possible, for your part of the relationship.
Forgiving yourself for any leftover resentment, anger, hurt, or betrayal is honestly one of the best gifts you can give to yourself in order to move forward. Holding on to those negative feelings only impacts your ability to have future happiness and mental peace.
As for me, I have done a lot of work to help put all these unresolved feelings to rest. I don’t ever think I will feel zero pain related to some of these endings, but they don’t haunt me or prevent me from having a healthy and happy life.
So to answer the question I asked in the beginning- I believe the answer is no, we do not need to be heard in every situation in order to have true mental health and peace. We have the power to find the peace within us.
If you are having difficulty finding closure in a personal situation of your own, please reach out to someone you trust or a mental health professional to help you reach a place of peace.
If you would like more information about working with me, you may contact me at pam@intentionalbutterflycoaching.com. I would love to talk to you!