From Self-Doubt to Self-Worth: Overcoming Negative Thoughts

My husband loves to say to me “if only you could see yourself through my eyes…”

He thinks I am way too hard on myself, and I know that he’s right.  I have set a really high bar for myself as far as expectations for how I look, how I communicate, how I define success in my career and in my relationships, and how I show up in general to people.  It has been this way for as long as I can remember, probably since I was a teenager.

For whatever reason, I typically dismiss him when he’s overly complimentary.  I cringe, look away, sometimes even cover my face.  Maybe it’s hard for me to believe him because he’s “supposed” to say nice things to me, or because he hasn’t known me my whole life, therefore, he doesn’t know all the dark secrets, or maybe I get afraid that I’m just doing a really good job of hiding what I don’t want him to see.

Can you relate to any of these thoughts?

I’m not sure why it’s so hard to believe the good things people say or think about us, or why it’s so difficult to see the best parts of ourselves - while at the same time so easy to see our flaws - but it can definitely feel that way sometimes.

I know one thing for sure – we cannot have mental wellness if we are plagued with self-doubt and negative thoughts.  This negativity can lead to trust issues, insecurities, feeling uncomfortable in our own skin, and even depression.

Am I Worthy?

For me, my limiting belief for many years was “you are not worthy of love.”  It would hit me sometimes like a ton of bricks, stopping me in my tracks.  So many relationships that I wanted badly to work just didn’t work. I was twice divorced before I was 35.  The biological father of my son walked away from me mid-pregnancy without a second thought.  There were several other relationships I had over the years that I went back to multiple times thinking “maybe if I just try harder, it will work this time.”  But it never did. 

By the time I met my current husband at the age of 44, my heart had been broken so many times I wasn’t sure if it could ever be whole again.  In the first few years of our relationship, I know I gave him every reason to walk away because I didn’t believe that I deserved him and subconsciously was trying to sabotage the relationship.  He never wavered though, and consistently showed me how much he loved me and how wonderful he thought I was.  He saw things in me I had trouble seeing in myself.

Stemming from this deep feeling of self-doubt, a string of other negative thoughts would pop in my head more often than I’d like to admit.  Do people like me?  Am I worthy of friendships?  Am I a good enough mom, sister, daughter, employee, runner?  Would anyone even miss me if I wasn’t here?  It is really easy to go down a rabbit hole if you let the negative thoughts take over.  And once the negative thoughts take over, depression is not far behind.  At least it wasn’t for me.  I’ve suffered with depression over the years that would never make sense to me on a rational basis.  But it was there, and I had to learn to overcome it.

It wasn’t my husband’s belief in my worth that built me up ultimately, but rather finally looking deeply at myself and realizing that I HAD to start believing in myself more or I was going to lose the best thing that ever happened to me.  I made a vow to him when we got married that I would always strive to be the best version of me, and I have worked very hard to keep that promise.

There are always going to be days when I don’t feel my best.  It’s at those times that I remind myself how far I’ve come and focus on the positive.

But Why the Negative Thoughts in the First Place?

Even when things seem to be going well, negative thinking may bubble up due to past experiences, repeated failures, disappointments, or rejection.  It could also be the result of low self-esteem, social influences, stress, anxiety, or even learned behavior from childhood.

Everyone’s experiences are unique, and multiple factors can contribute to negative thinking.

Understanding the causes is the first step to identifying and then beginning to overcome them in order to start living with a more positive outlook.

Replace that Negative Thought with a Positive One

It is important to stop the negative thoughts as soon as they start.  In order to do this, you must have a better, more positive thought or affirmation to replace it with.

When you realize that a negative thought of self-doubt is coming to mind, ask yourself if you believe that thought is always true, or sometimes true.  Chances are, it is only sometimes true.  If it is only sometimes true, think of an example when this thought isn’t true.  Turn that example into a more empowering belief, and that should be the opposite of the negative thought or limiting belief.

You can use this new positive thought as a reminder whenever the negative thought pops into your head.

Tips for Boosting Self-Worth

So what else can you do to move towards self-worth? Here are some practical tips you can try:

• Write down a list of things you love about yourself.

• Put positive notes of affirmation anywhere you spend time – by your bed, on your mirror, in your car, on your computer screen, etc.  Remind yourself of your strengths, achievements, and positive qualities.

• Keep a gratitude journal to reflect on things that you’re thankful for.  This can help counterbalance negative thinking.

• Surround yourself with positive people who inspire and encourage you.

• Engage in activities that bring you joy, whether that is hobbies, exercise or spending time in nature.

• Practice self-care, and nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being.

• Avoid comparing yourself to others, as this can lead to feelings of inadequacy.  Everyone’s journey is unique, so focus on your own progress and growth.

• Reach out to friends, family, or professionals when negative thoughts persist and impact your daily life.  Sometimes, a fresh perspective or guidance can help overcome negative thinking patterns.

Experiment with the tips above and find what works best for you.  Just like everything else, overcoming self-doubt takes time and practice.  With consistent and intentional effort, though, it is possible to develop a more positive and empowering mindset.

Summary

Self-doubt can be a crippling obstacle to a fulfilling life as it holds you back from reaching your full potential.  When those feelings start creeping in, try to use one of the strategies or tips above to steer yourself to a more positive mindset.  It is possible to retrain your brain to believe the best about yourself!

And always remember that it’s human to be hard on ourselves, but we do not need to live in a state of negativity to maintain humility or groundedness.  Treat yourself with kindness, compassion, and understanding.

Working with me as your life coach can also help you to work through your own limiting beliefs and empower you to move forward being the best version of yourself, so please don’t hesitate to contact me if you would like more information.