What Actress Do You Look Like?

I used to cringe just waiting for the question whenever I met someone new.  “Oh wow, you look just like that actress… what’s her name?”

And then the conversation would typically involve me trying to help the person figure out who it was that I looked like.  Because I clearly didn’t look like ME, I looked like someone famous.

Not to say it wasn’t flattering on some level, because the actresses that came to people’s minds were stunning and beautiful.  I’ve been told I look like Kim Basinger, Katherine Heigl, Rebecca De Mornay, and Michelle Williams more times than I can count.  There are definitely worse people to be compared to!

I went through this introduction process endlessly in my 20’s and 30’s, until it finally slowed down somewhere in my 40’s.  I’m not sure if it’s that I really did look like some famous actress when I was younger, or if younger adults have issues connecting with people on any other level besides physical first impression, so that was natural conversation. 

Either way, it took a toll on my already low self-esteem and self-worth because I felt like no one saw the real me under the superficial surface.  That led to feelings of isolation, loneliness, and depression for many years to come.

Even worse, when people weren’t telling me that I looked like a famous actress, they were typically calling me another name, either to my face or behind my back.

Barbie.

But Barbie isn’t Smart

As an accountant and CPA in Corporate America beginning in 1994, my top priority was to impress people with my intelligence and work abilities.  That is why I was hired, right?  I had gotten excellent grades in school, but now it was time to show that I could learn my job responsibilities, do them well, and complete them on time.

The problem was that I was extremely shy and introverted.  The anxiety I felt with each new situation was crippling.  There were so many years of trying to talk myself off a ledge because I was meeting new people that I needed to impress and all I could hear in my head was a voice telling me that the only thing people would notice about me was that I was attractive.

I got a lot of attention, but it wasn’t the attention that helped my career.  It honestly hindered it.

Barbie is pretty, but she isn’t smart.  At least that was the reputation she had back in those days.  She’s tall, with long blonde hair and large breasts.  That’s who she was, period.  So the obstacle I faced for most of my time in Corporate America is I couldn’t be viewed as smart.  Or nice for that matter.  Because if you’re graced with good looks, you probably don’t have anything else to offer.

Why would I think differently?  It’s all I heard all the time.

So each time I started a new job, I knew there would be a cycle.  Hate the new girl because she’s pretty, so she can’t also be nice, or a good co-worker or boss.  I’d work extra hard to overcome the initial impression.  Later, and it never failed, people would confess after they felt comfortable with me that they didn’t like me at first and they felt bad about that.  Because I was smart.  And a good co-worker.  And nice!

But why did it have to continue for so long, over and over again?

The Trouble with Labels

Now I understand that the cycle was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Because I anticipated an initial first impression that would make me feel bad about myself on the inside, I’m positive I approached each new situation with fear and a lack of confidence that surely showed itself.

I had labeled myself as “pretty so can’t be smart” to protect myself against those who might be thinking it.  And as a result, my self-confidence in my work abilities stayed low.

I did have a successful accounting career, but it was anything but easy.  It felt like I was always trekking uphill, which caused undue stress, anxiety, sadness, and even anger.

Outside of work, most of my relationships were tumultuous, and it’s taken me many years to understand why.  My low self-esteem damaged every area of my life.

I am Me

As I got older, I stopped getting that initial “what actress do you look like” response as a first impression.  This in turn led to feelings of inadequacy like “am I still pretty?”  It’s kind of ironic that exactly what I wanted to stop happening stopped happening, and that led to me feeling worse.

When you’ve gotten used to something being normal behavior, a change can feel unsettling at first.

But this prompted me to do a deeper dive into my own train of thoughts, and through lots of intentional work to rewire my brain, I now feel completely confident that I am me – and I love me! 

I am caring, nurturing, sensitive, nice, and smart.  And pretty to my husband, and that’s all that matters! 

Stopping the Negative Thoughts

My example was about my physical appearance, but many others may experience similar labeling based on a condition, disability, or handicap they have.  If someone has decided who you are based on anything other than who you are at your core, then you have been labeled.

Our mental wellness is dependent on us trying to stay as positive as possible most of the time, no matter what anyone is saying about us, or what is happening around us.

Thoughts are self-fulfilling prophesies, whether they are positive or negative.

If you are going down a path of negative thoughts about yourself, or you feel someone has labeled you as something that is only one part of you, empower yourself to try the following:

• Focus on your Strengths – Concentrate on your talents, skills, and personal qualities.  Remind yourself of your accomplishments and the things that make you unique and valuable.

• Practice Self-Compassion – Treat yourself with kindness and understanding.  Acknowledge your feelings and respond to them with empathy and reassurance.

• Challenge Negative Beliefs – Question the validity of negative labels or judgments placed on you.  Consider whether they are accurate reflections of who you truly are or if they are based on superficial perceptions.

• Surround Yourself with Supportive People – Spend time with people who uplift and encourage you, and who value you for your character and inner qualities.

• Set Boundaries – Establish boundaries with people who judge or label you, and if necessary, limit your interactions with them.

• Focus on Personal Growth – Invest in activities that promote personal growth and fulfillment, whether it’s hobbies, learning a new skill, or volunteering. 

Summary

Remember that it’s normal to experience negative thoughts and emotions in response to being labeled, but it is possible to rewrite the story in your head to more positive thoughts that lead to greater self-acceptance.

If you would like more information about working with me, you may contact me at pam@intentionalbutterflycoaching.com.  I would love to talk to you!  And if you’re in Sugar Land, TX, the conversation has the option to be in person!